Five 2013 films I couldn’t Care Less About

Here’s a follow-up to my ‘Five 2013 Films I Can’t Wait For’ list.  Obviously, this list is purely based on speculation.  I will happily waddle off and see them if they turn out to be incredible.

MV5BNTQ0MTM4MTY0MV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNjQxMzA5Nw@@._V1._SY314_CR129,0,214,314_1. One Direction 3D

Dir: Morgan Spurlock
Release Date: 13th August 2013
Starring: 1D and thousands of shrill teenage girls

Oh dear god, a 3D recording of a One Direction concert. Nausea from the 3D, nausea from the music… If you’re a fan of nausea then this should be right up your street.  It will be a performance for the ages and feature iconic lyrics such as “You don’t know you’re beautiful, oh oh oh, that’s what makes you beautiful”.  Directed by Morgan Spurlock! Weird.


mv5bmtyzmti3njqzm15bml5banbnxkftztcwotkzmzmymq-_v1-_sy317_cr20214317_2. Scary Movie 5

Dir: Does it matter
Release Date:  April 13th 2013
Starring: I have no idea, a couple of Wayans? Ludacris?

The only good thing about this is that I can copy and paste my entry from last year…..Why do people continue to go and see these?  The first couple were acceptable but come on.  There’s only one way to end this, otherwise they’ll go on forever, vote at the box office, don’t go, please.


thor-dark-world-fan-poster3. Thor: The Dark World

Dir: Alan Taylor
Release Date: 8th November 2013
Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Anthony Hopkins, Tom Hiddelston

And here’s the token Marvel entry on the list…. they’ve not half churned this one out quickly.  I was not the biggest fan of the first instalment.  I expect more Marvel winking and boring action sequences (possibly with a giant mechanical robot thing).  Director Alan Taylor has worked on a lot of great TV though (Game Of Thrones, Sopranos, Mad Men), so hopefully he’ll do a good job on his step up to the big screen and prove me wrong.


MV5BMTY5MjI5NTIwNl5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwMTM1Njg2._V1._SY317_CR13,0,214,317_4. Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones

Dir: George Lucas
Release Date: 20th September 2013
Starring: Hayden Christensen, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Samuel L. Jackson

I may watch the prequels again before we get Disney Star Wars, but there is no chance I’ll be paying cinema prices to watch this drivel again.  The best thing I can say about ATOC is that it wasn’t as bad as Episode I, not exactly a ringing endorsement.  When they re-release the originals though…. I’ll be there.  The most expensive Star Wars film of them all, and the only one that was not the top box-office earner in the year of its release.


MV5BMTkzNzcwMDk0Ml5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNzkyMDQ2OA@@._V1._SY317_5. Iron Man 3  

Dir: Shane Black
Release Date: 26th April 2013
Starring: Robert Downey Jr, Ben Kingsley, Guy Pearce, Gwyneth Paltrow

I can only apologise to any Iron-Man/Marvel fans…but honestly, deep down, I hated Iron-Man 2.  They seem to have cast Ben Kingsley as an Asian villain called Mandarin.  Ben Kingsley is not Asian….  I mean I couldn’t care less but I wonder how the fanboys feel about that complete disregard for the source material

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Five 2013 Films I Can’t Wait For

I’ve had a look through the releases planned for next year, here are the 5 that caught my eye.

1. Lincoln

Dir: Steven Spielberg
Release Date: 25th January 2013
Starring: Daniel Day-Lewis, Sally Field, Tommy Lee Jones, Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Daniel-Day Lewis as Lincoln, I’ve been waiting for this for a long time.  Reviews from over the pond have been almost exclusively positive and on top of DDL the rest of the cast looks great.  Tommy-Lee Jones is one of my favourite actors and Joseph Gordon-Levitt has won me over.  The only slight worry I have about this is Spielberg…

lincoln_1


2. Django Unchained

Dir: Quentin Tarantino
Release Date: 18th January 2013
Starring: Leonardo Di Caprio, Christopher Waltz, Jamie Foxx, Samuel L. Jackson

This was on last years list, but since the release date has been pushed back it’s squeezed in again. A Quentin Tarantino bounty hunter film with that cast…..let’s just say i’m on board.  Synopsis from movieinsider “Django is a freed slave, who, under the tutelage of a German bounty hunter, becomes a bad-ass bounty hunter himself. After taking down some bad guys for profit, they track down Django’s slave wife and liberate her from an evil plantation owner.” Hells yes!  In My opinion Inglorious Basterds was a great return to form for Tarantino, can’t wait.

Leonardo-DiCaprio-Django-Unchained


3. Inside Llewyn Davis

Dir: Joel & Ethan Coen
Release Date: TBA
Starring: Oscar Garcia, Carey Mulligan, John Goodman, Justin Timberlake

Anything written and directed by Joel & Ethan Coen will draw me in.  With a couple of exceptions I’ve been a big fan of everything they have written.  The film is based on the memoirs of Dave Van Ronk and will follow the experiences of a singer-songwriter navigating the New York folk scene in the 1960s.  Early script reviews suggest that it will be light on plot and heavy on character.  Coen’s stalwart John Goodman returns, love that guy!


4. Mad Max: Fury Road

Dir: George Miller
Release Date: TBA
Starring: Tom Hardy, Charlize Theron, Mel Gibson, Nicholas Hoult

GET IN!! Fury Road is the first of two new Mad Max films.  YAS! Tom Hardy seems like a decent choice for the title role, the original creator George Miller is still heavily involved as a writer and director, Tina Turner is long gone and Mel Gibson is down for a cameo.  It’s quite possible this won’t be out in 2013, there have been delays, but it’s on the way and i’m pumped.  Here’s hoping it’s more ‘Road Warrior’ and less ‘Beyond Thunderdome’.  Plot keywords on IMDB include ‘Dark Future’ ‘Peak Oil’ and ‘Post-Apocolyptic’.  A great excuse to watch the first two Mad Max films again, not that I need one.


5. Zero Dark Thirty

Dir: Kathryn Bigelow
Release Date: 25th January 2013
Starring: Chris Pratt, Jessica Chastain, Joel Edgerton

Directed by Kathryn Bigelow (The Hurt Locker) Zero Dark Thirty is a dramatisation of the hunt for Osama Bin Laden and Operation Neptune Spear.  There’s obviously quite a story to be told here, and with a proven director on board I have high hopes.  If it’s intelligently written and based in reality, and not all “AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!!” it could be a cracker.

Honourable Mentions: Only God Forgives, Kick-Ass 2, Oldboy

Why Does Hollywood Suddenly Love Scotland?

What do Skyfall, The Dark Knight Rises, Harry Potter, Never Let Me Go, Game of Thrones, The Da Vinci Code….as well as the upcoming releases World War Z, Under The Skin, Cloud Atlas and Fast And Furious 6 all have in common?  Well, they all feature Scotland as a backdrop.    I’ve been seeing my home country on film a remarkable amount recently.

Scotland has been the scene for iconic films in the past.  The Wicker Man, Chariots of Fire and Monty Python’s Holy Grail all filmed extensively here, but in the last few years there seems to have been an explosion in the number of major films shooting here, and it has not been limited to live action.  There was also Pixar’s ‘Brave’ . Continue reading

The Greatest Badasses In Film History

If you haven’t seen Part 1 and the first 5 Badasses in the list, I would recommend you take a look…. From now on i’ll be churning them out one at a time.

The urban dictionary definition states that a badass is someone who is “Awesome to an extreme level, thereby leveraging unquestionable authority.”  If anyone meets the badass criteria…it’s this man.

#6 Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell – Escape From New York/L.A)

Kurt-Russell-as-Snake-Plissken-e1311261342293

Famously, Snake Plissken was the youngest soldier to be decorated by the US President in World War 3, for bravery during campaigns in Siberia against the USSR.  That’s right, he took on an apparently resurgent Soviet Union!  He’s also called ‘Snake’, pulls off an eye-patch and by my understanding wipes out all technology in the world at the end of Escape From L.A, after deceiving the President of the USA. LAD

Badass Quotes:

“I don’t give a fuck about your war – or your President!”

“Call me “Snake.”


The Worst Film In My DVD Collection….Ninja Squad.

Ninja Squad, starring the irrepressible Richard Harrison as ‘Gordon the Ninja’, was a regrettable impulse buy from a bargain bucket back in 2007.   This film features the first ninja I’ve ever seen to exclusively use a machine gun as a weapon…he’s called Billy!  See 37 seconds for the worst ninja in history.  Everyone knows real ninjas wear headbands that say ninja on them. Anyway, here’s the monumental final confrontation…between 2 people that barely feature in the rest of the film.  Who will prevail?  “Bully, what are you going to do about work? I don’t think your ninja skills will help you find a job.”

The Greatest Badasses In Film History

Watching that assassin take out Tony Montana at the end of Scarface and Arnie tearing up the streets of LA in The Terminator got me thinking….who are the greatest badasses in film history?  The urban dictionary definition states that a badass is someone who is “Awesome to an extreme level, thereby leveraging unquestionable authority.”  Well, here’s the first instalment of some of the baddest MF’s in film history…

#1 William Munny( Clint Eastwood, Unforgiven)

Unforgiven (1992)
Badasses don’t need good strategy.  William Munny’s plan for exacting revenge on local sheriff Little Bill?  Saunter into a saloon full of heavily armed hostile men with a shotgun and a revolver and kill everything that moves.  Then, simply escape from the town by looking so menacingly at all the armed men waiting outside, that none of them dare shoot.  That’s what we’re talking about here.  In all seriousness though, great, great film.

Badass Quotes:

“All right, I’m coming out. Any man I see out there, I’m gonna shoot him. Any sumbitch takes a shot at me, I’m not only gonna kill him, but I’m gonna kill his wife, all his friends, and burn his damn house down.”

 “It’s a hell of a thing, killin’ a man. Take away all he’s got, and all he’s ever gonna have. “

 


 

#2 Dae-su Oh (Min-sik Choi, Oldboy)

oldboy-1

After spending 15 years imprisoned in solitary confinement (some of which he spent learning to fight against a concrete wall) Dae-su Oh escapes and is hellbent on revenge.  Whilst trying to track down his tormentor he eats an entire live octopus and, armed with a hammer and his fists, takes out 25 thugs in a hallway.  Look at the picture and ask yourself, would you mess?

Badass quotes:

“Erasing my memory and telling me to find the truth was cowardly. I won. So die like you promised.” 

“If by any chance Mido should find out the truth… I’m going to rip you limb from limb. And your remains will never be found. Why? Because I’m going to swallow every last bit.”


 

#3 The Skull (Geno Silva, Scarface)

skull_480_poster

It doesn’t get  much more badass than assassinating Tony Montana, this guy was the inspiration behind this post.  Hitmen and assassins have almost unlimited badass potential, especially when they’re called ‘The Skull’.  As well as shooting Montana in the back with a shotgun, he also deals with an FBI informant by taking him up in a helicopter and hanging him from it.  That’s big boy sh*t.

Badass quotes:

nope


#4 Jules (Samuel L Jackson, Pulp Fiction)

jules_winnfield_2

The ultimate badass, this guy is what it’s all about.  Effortlessly cool and probably the most quotable badass of all time.  As well as quoting a passage of the bible to people before shooting them, he also talks two armed robbers out of an ongoing hold-up and administers several verbal beatings. Credit where it’s due.  Never insult this man’s mother.

Badass quotes:

“Don’t be tellin’ me about foot massages. I’m the foot f*ckin’ master. “

 “I want you to go in that bag, and find my wallet….it’s the one that says Bad Motherf*cker”

 


#5 Jason Bourne (Matt Damon, The Bourne Series)

bournemonoscope

I almost didn’t want to include Bourne in this list, for me he lacks a bit of cool, but when you look at the facts there’s no doubting his badass credentials.  He has a swiss bank account full of passports, kills a foe armed with only a magazine (and then uses said magazine to blow up a house), disinfects a gunshot wound with vodka before using it to blind a policemen so he can annihilate his partner with some kung-fu and stabs a guy with a pen.  Fair enough Jason, you’re in.

Badass quotes: 

“I can tell you the license plate numbers of all six cars outside. I can tell you that our waitress is left-handed and the guy sitting up at the counter weighs two hundred fifteen pounds and knows how to handle himself. I know the best place to look for a gun is the cab or the gray truck outside, and at this altitude, I can run flat out for a half mile before my hands start shaking….”


I’d love to see those stuck in a room together.

Five 2012 Films I Couldn’t Care Less About

Here is the  follow up to my previous ‘five 2012 films that I can’t wait for‘ list.  Obviously, opinions on these are purely based on my expectations and I will happily eat my words and waddle along to the local cinema if they turn out to be good.

 

1. The Avengers

Dir: Joss Whedon
Release Date: 27th April, 2012
Starring: Robert Downey Jr, Chris Hemsworth, Scarlett Johansson, Chris Evans, Samuel L Jackson

This is going to be one of the biggest films of the year.  I quite enjoyed the first Iron-Man, but generally I don’t get on with Marvel films and comic book films in general.  This is one i’ll be avoiding unless I hear some positive reviews from trusted sources.

 

2. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace 3D

Dir: George Lucas
Release Date: TBA
Starring: Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman

I love Star Wars and might have been tempted by this if it was the originals, but the prequels were all pretty bad, and retrofitted 3D isn’t going to change that.  The last thing I want to see is Jar Jar Binks with one more dimension, two was quite enough.  I might consider handing over more of my money to Lucas when they get to the good ones though.

 

3. Wrath of the Titans

Dir: Jonathan Liebesman
Release Date: 30th March, 2012
Starring: Sam Worthington, Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes, Rosamund Pike

To be honest I didn’t see Clash of the Titans, but by all accounts it was fairly terrible.  Now we have a 3D sequel, which WILL make a lot of money and provide further evidence that people will go and see anything that is heavily marketed and has a shiny looking trailer.  If someone gives me a free ticket, I might consider it.

 

4. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

Dir: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor
Release Date: 22nd February, 2012
Starring: Nicolas cage, Ciaran Hinds, Idris Elba

Ghost Rider was shockingly bad, i really don’t know why they’re bothering.  You could take a bit of hope from the fact that there is an all new writing and directing line-up, but my expectations are still rock bottom.  If someone gives me a free ticket, I will not go.

 

5. Scary Movie 5

Dir: does it matter?
Release Date: I’m not telling you, if you want to know, look it up for yourself.
Starring:  I don’t know…a couple of Wayans? Ludacris?

Why do people continue to go and see these?  The first couple were acceptable but come on.  There’s only one way to end this, otherwise they’ll go on forever, vote at the box office, don’t go, please.

 

 

Honourable Mentions: Madagascar 3, Journey 2, Ice Age: Continental Drift, What to Expect When You’re Expecting, Step Up 4 and Paranormal Activity 4.

Five 2012 Films I Can’t Wait For

I’ve had a look through the major releases confirmed for next year, as well as a few that are in the pipeline or yet to be announced.  Here are the five that caught my eye.

1. The Dark Knight Rises 

Dir: Christopher Nolan
Release Date: 20th July 2012
Starring: Christian Bale, Tom Hardy, Anne Hathaway, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Gary Oldman, Liam Neeson

Obviously.  This promises to be the biggest cinematic event of next year and will likely be the highest grossing film of 2012.  I was a huge fan of Batman Begins and The Dark Knight in IMAX was the best cinema-going experience i’ve ever had. Bring. It. On.

 

2. Ghostbusters 3

Dir: Ivan Reitman
Release Date: TBA
Starring: Dan Akroyd, Sigourney Weaver, Harold Ramis

I love Ghostbusters, and despite the fact that there’s a good chance this won’t be nearly as a good as the originals, i’m still excited about it.  Looks like the original cast will be back (possibly minus Bill Murray who doesn’t seem to be able to make up his mind, come on Bill lad).  Unfortunately it’s looking increasingly likely that this won’t be out in 2012, but i’m keeping the faith.

 

3. Django Unchained

Dir: Quentin Tarantino
Release Date: 26th December 2012
Starring: Leonardo Di Caprio, Samuel L. Jackson, Kurt Russell, Christoph Waltz, Jamie Foxx

A Quentin Tarantino bounty hunter film with that cast…..let’s just say i’m on board.  Synopsis from movieinsider “Django is a freed slave, who, under the tutelage of a German bounty hunter, becomes a bad-ass bounty hunter himself. After taking down some bad guys for profit, they track down Django’s slave wife and liberate her from an evil plantation owner.” Hells yes!  In My opinion Inglorious basterds was a great return to form for Tarantino, can’t wait.

 

4. Prometheus

Dir: Ridley Scott
Release Date: 1st June 2012
Starring: Michael Fassbender, Charlize Theron, Noomi Rapace, Guy Pearce

There has been a lot of talk about Ridley Scott directing an Alien prequel but it seems that this is as close as we’re going to get.  It has all been very secretive but from what i understand it will be set in the same universe as the Alien films, but is unlikely to be a straight out prequel. However Scott has come out and stated that “The last eight minutes of the Prometheus story evolve into a pretty good DNA of the Alien one.” I love Alien and have been very impressed by Fassbender, so this should be right up my street.  Good to see Scott getting back to Sci-Fi.

 

5. Men In Black 3

Dir: Barry Sonnefeld
Release Date: 25th May 2012
Starring: Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, Emma Thompson, Nicole Scherzinger

You know what, i’m sorry, but I was 11 when the first MIB came out and I have a soft spot for it to this day.  I will definitely be seeing this.  Will Smith will be travelling back in time to work alongside the young Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones’ character) who will be played by Josh Brolin.  Together they will likely save the future of the earth from an alien or two. Ok, so it doesn’t sound great…. but the 11 year old boy in me can’t wait.

 

Great One-Liners (Part 2)


“I’m 6”5, 220 pounds and there’s two of me!” The Social Network

“they attract bears, they can smell the menstruation!”
“You hear that Ron? Now you’re putting the whole team in jeopardy!” Anchorman

“Wow, you almost knocked over your alcohol with your knife..” Zombieland

“I’m sorry, did I break your concentration?” Pulp Fiction

“Ah! Shit i’ve been shot!”
“I don’t fucking believe this could everyone stop getting shot!” Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

“Quaffable, but uh… far from transcendent” Sideways

“The Almighty says, “Don’t change the subject, just answer the fuckin’ question!”  Braveheart

“Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it’s an ethos” The Big Lebowski

 “Are these the Nazis, Walter?”
“No, Donny, these men are nihilists, there’s nothing to be afraid of.” The Big Lebowski

“Are they gonna hurt us, Walter?”
“No, Donny. These men are cowards.”  The Big Lebowski

“I was born a baby, a blank slate. I thought I was in control of my own destiny, and then I met my dad.”  Kicking and Screaming

“You discovered a species hitherto unknown to science, possibly extra-terrestrial in nature, and you kicked its head in.” Attack The Block