Five 2013 films I couldn’t Care Less About

Here’s a follow-up to my ‘Five 2013 Films I Can’t Wait For’ list.  Obviously, this list is purely based on speculation.  I will happily waddle off and see them if they turn out to be incredible.

MV5BNTQ0MTM4MTY0MV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNjQxMzA5Nw@@._V1._SY314_CR129,0,214,314_1. One Direction 3D

Dir: Morgan Spurlock
Release Date: 13th August 2013
Starring: 1D and thousands of shrill teenage girls

Oh dear god, a 3D recording of a One Direction concert. Nausea from the 3D, nausea from the music… If you’re a fan of nausea then this should be right up your street.  It will be a performance for the ages and feature iconic lyrics such as “You don’t know you’re beautiful, oh oh oh, that’s what makes you beautiful”.  Directed by Morgan Spurlock! Weird.

mv5bmtyzmti3njqzm15bml5banbnxkftztcwotkzmzmymq-_v1-_sy317_cr20214317_2. Scary Movie 5

Dir: Does it matter
Release Date:  April 13th 2013
Starring: I have no idea, a couple of Wayans? Ludacris?

The only good thing about this is that I can copy and paste my entry from last year…..Why do people continue to go and see these?  The first couple were acceptable but come on.  There’s only one way to end this, otherwise they’ll go on forever, vote at the box office, don’t go, please.

thor-dark-world-fan-poster3. Thor: The Dark World

Dir: Alan Taylor
Release Date: 8th November 2013
Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Anthony Hopkins, Tom Hiddelston

And here’s the token Marvel entry on the list…. they’ve not half churned this one out quickly.  I was not the biggest fan of the first instalment.  I expect more Marvel winking and boring action sequences (possibly with a giant mechanical robot thing).  Director Alan Taylor has worked on a lot of great TV though (Game Of Thrones, Sopranos, Mad Men), so hopefully he’ll do a good job on his step up to the big screen and prove me wrong.

MV5BMTY5MjI5NTIwNl5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwMTM1Njg2._V1._SY317_CR13,0,214,317_4. Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones

Dir: George Lucas
Release Date: 20th September 2013
Starring: Hayden Christensen, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Samuel L. Jackson

I may watch the prequels again before we get Disney Star Wars, but there is no chance I’ll be paying cinema prices to watch this drivel again.  The best thing I can say about ATOC is that it wasn’t as bad as Episode I, not exactly a ringing endorsement.  When they re-release the originals though…. I’ll be there.  The most expensive Star Wars film of them all, and the only one that was not the top box-office earner in the year of its release.

MV5BMTkzNzcwMDk0Ml5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNzkyMDQ2OA@@._V1._SY317_5. Iron Man 3  

Dir: Shane Black
Release Date: 26th April 2013
Starring: Robert Downey Jr, Ben Kingsley, Guy Pearce, Gwyneth Paltrow

I can only apologise to any Iron-Man/Marvel fans…but honestly, deep down, I hated Iron-Man 2.  They seem to have cast Ben Kingsley as an Asian villain called Mandarin.  Ben Kingsley is not Asian….  I mean I couldn’t care less but I wonder how the fanboys feel about that complete disregard for the source material


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